I was at some kind of seminar, which is strange since I’ve never been to one and we all were sitting at desks. The guy in front of me was very chatty and kept turning around and talking like we were friends. I thought to myself this is the way people are and I will soon be out of here – not to worry. He became more and more intense and seemed to follow me around the seminar as we moved to doing different things. He looked like John-Paul Lavoisier (Rex from ‘One Life to Live’). I just wanted to get out of there and away from him and started packing my stuff up in my bag and I had forgotten something that looked like a big cell phone and tried to quickly recover it because I thought if he saw it he would know how to find me away from this place.

Then there was something on a dark highway where I felt he was following me there too. Then I was in a basement. It seemed like my brother’s, but darker. Then the dude just appeared there in the dim light and he was intense and I wanted to get away from him or make him go away. How could I explain him to the family?, is what I thought.

I was walking through my brother’s house to go to the kitchen from the basement for some reason. It was a combination of the old and new houses, but it was the new house and the hallway from the old house. It was all chopped up and stretched out and the lighting was eerie. Instead of ending up in the kitchen of the old house, I ended up in the sunroom of the new. On my way there I felt like I was being watched. The house was haunted and ghosts or something were all around, (always dream about the weird house and ghost thing) and so I felt uneasy. When I went in the room I was suddenly naked and the guy from the seminar was there, naked too. I had the feeling he’d been chasing me or following me through this whole dream. It was like It was like I was watching and participating at the same time. We both were hard and I knew he was going to have sex with me and I wanted him to. But then, all of sudden, it changed and I felt like he had been stalking me I was being forced and didn’t want him but I bent over anyway and as he started to penetrate me he collapsed back onto the floor. I panicked and saw and heard Emily and Elizabeth from ‘General Hospital’ coming from somewhere and I ran away out of the other door of the sunroom into an atrium and they didn’t see me as they sat on a bench and talked. I woke up and was late for work. I suppose I watch to much of ABC Daytime!

08.29 N.B. Had this dream last night and it troubles me. Not because of the ghosts and weird house – that is a recurring theme in many of my dreams. What troubled me is it’s the first time that I remember dreaming about being fucked and the fact that it started with me wanting him and changed to feeling like he was forcing me.

09.02 N.B. After thinking about this for awhile, as it still troubled me, I realized that yes he was definitely taking the lead and being very persistent, but it wasn’t that I didn’t want him or felt like he was forcing himself on me. It was more a fear of not wanting to do it for being discovered doing it and that’s why I wanted him to stop.

09.05 N.B. Still thinking about this… obsessing aren’t I? I think I’ve had a breakthrough. I don’t think it was John-Paul Lavoisier at all in the dream, more likely it was the boy who used to deliver our newspaper when I was teenager. I think his name was Alex and he was a year or two younger than me. Christ! Does that make me Brian Kinney if I can’t remember the name of a guy I almost had sex with? His look was the same as JPL — who is close to what he might look like today and so I may have been projecting. He could’ve been my first, we sort of played cat and mouse skirting around the issue, talking on the phone about what we would do, etc. But I was too much in denial, too scared and suddenly stopped it by telling him I was straight. He got mad, called me a faggot, and I never saw or heard from him again. He even stopped the paper route.

I haven’t thought about him a long time. I never really thought much about it other than childhood nonsense, but in retrospect I think he was very interested in me and he was probably scared too. I probably did hurt him a lot after weeks of cat and mouse and then suddenly telling him the big fat lie that I’m straight. It probably was the first time he put himself out there and I shot him down, coldly. For that, Alex, I’m so sorry. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have lied and backed out but would’ve gone on to see where it took us. As part of my coming out to myself and accepting being gay a few years ago, I made myself a promise that if asked, I would never lie about who I am. I don’t know if I can live up to it or not, but hope that I have the courage to.