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Halloween Love Dream Divination

October 31st, 2006

Ok so Halloween is a time that is traditional for divination, from the Druids three thousand years ago to the Victorians and their parlor games of trying to divine if their daughters would make good marriages and who they would marry. So I decided to try my hand at some love divination on Halloween night. One such Victorian method of diving your true love went as such:

Round the midnight hour, by flicker of light, your true love in the looking-glass you’ll sight.

That’s just a little too creepy, but oh so Victorian. I decided to take Brian Kinney’s advice and “see him in my dreams” instead. I tucked two bay leaves under my pillow to see if my man would turn up in my dreams. Bay leaves are imbued with powers of love magic, protection, and prophetic dreaming. As I placed them under my pillow I whispered to them to show me the man that will be my lover and life partner and to allow me to experience his touch, the feel of his stubble against my face as he kisses me passionately, and my hands running over his masculine chest as he penetrates me with his intense passion… uh oh… getting a little carried away here with this exercise!

Anyway, there were two men who appeared in my dreams on Halloween night. I woke up to go to the bathroom about two hours after having gone to bed and was sort of disappointed that I didn’t even remember dreaming at all. But after I went back to bed it started. I had the impression of dreaming of a man with blondish but dark hair. At first I thought to myself it was David Chockachi, but it was not him only someone who seemed to have his coloring and build perhaps. Then there was a second man who I thought was Tyler Christopher, but again it was an impression of someone with his build and coloring too. I don’t recall in either circumstance what they were doing or how we were interacting. Most of my dreaming this night was about setting the dinning room table and the prep for a party. All of the other people in my dreams were the women in my family. These two guys were the only men around, but they were not involved in the activity, it was almost as if they weren’t even really there… sort of there only in essence. As I thought about it more and more, I couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t two men I saw, but the same man only in different lighting or something. They say that you really can’t dream of things you haven’t seen, read, or experienced. And since I’ve never seen this guy before, my subconscious had to conjure images of men I knew to make this one up, so I guess you can say the man of my dreams that will fall into my life someday will be a cross between David Chockochi and Tyler Christopher! LOL

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Dreaming of Dreamboats

March 22nd, 2006

Every so often a hunky celebrity pops up in my dreams. Austin Peck and Landon from ‘The Real World’ have been recent visitors and are both hot kissers!

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The Not So Real World

September 27th, 2005

In this dream, my whole family was on vacation and renting a house by
the shore. But there were a bunch of other people along with us, people
I didn’t know and who were strangers and we were sharing this house. My
sister-in-law’s mother seemed to be running the show and there was
concern over using the bathroom and taking showers, etc. She made up a
schedule and was instructing everyone and told me I was first, which
would make my time in the bathroom the middle of the afternoon, I
protested and she said ok then you come with me to…. somewhere I
can’t remember but something to do with her dogs and so I fixed my hair
and went off with her.

Later it seemed as though I was walking around outside of the house
with my shirt off and then was trying to get back in. Inside I was
concerned over the sleeping arrangements. I had been relagated to the
sofa in the living room which meant I had no privacy, couldn’t go to
bed until everyone else in the house went, and so I tried to find spots
for privacy but the whole house just seemed to overrun with strangers.
I found a little spot up in a turret that was more like a child’s play
space as it was very small but I squeezed in there and soon other
people came into the room it looked over and again I had no privacy.

I seem to recall complaining and someone said to me, “Well you wanted
to be on the ‘Real World’ didn’t you? Well now you are sharing a house
with seven strangers.” Then there was something about doing projects
and getting everybody working on what they were supposed. I think it
was my job…. it seemed to me to be sort of like the project manager
of the teams on Martha Stewart’s Apprentice. I said to my mom something
about even if I wanted to I couldn’t get them to do anything because
they all would go to the beach if it was a nice day out.

This was a continuing dream from one sleep cycle to the next throughout
the entire night, with each phase building and exploring more and
deeper into the dream. Those are the high points that I clearly recall
but I do know there was much more to it.

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John-Paul Lavoisier in Hot Pursuit

September 3rd, 2005

I was at some kind of seminar, which is strange since I’ve never been to one and we all were sitting at desks. The guy in front of me was very chatty and kept turning around and talking like we were friends. I thought to myself this is the way people are and I will soon be out of here – not to worry. He became more and more intense and seemed to follow me around the seminar as we moved to doing different things. He looked like John-Paul Lavoisier (Rex from ‘One Life to Live’). I just wanted to get out of there and away from him and started packing my stuff up in my bag and I had forgotten something that looked like a big cell phone and tried to quickly recover it because I thought if he saw it he would know how to find me away from this place.

Then there was something on a dark highway where I felt he was following me there too. Then I was in a basement. It seemed like my brother’s, but darker. Then the dude just appeared there in the dim light and he was intense and I wanted to get away from him or make him go away. How could I explain him to the family?, is what I thought.

I was walking through my brother’s house to go to the kitchen from the basement for some reason. It was a combination of the old and new houses, but it was the new house and the hallway from the old house. It was all chopped up and stretched out and the lighting was eerie. Instead of ending up in the kitchen of the old house, I ended up in the sunroom of the new. On my way there I felt like I was being watched. The house was haunted and ghosts or something were all around, (always dream about the weird house and ghost thing) and so I felt uneasy. When I went in the room I was suddenly naked and the guy from the seminar was there, naked too. I had the feeling he’d been chasing me or following me through this whole dream. It was like It was like I was watching and participating at the same time. We both were hard and I knew he was going to have sex with me and I wanted him to. But then, all of sudden, it changed and I felt like he had been stalking me I was being forced and didn’t want him but I bent over anyway and as he started to penetrate me he collapsed back onto the floor. I panicked and saw and heard Emily and Elizabeth from ‘General Hospital’ coming from somewhere and I ran away out of the other door of the sunroom into an atrium and they didn’t see me as they sat on a bench and talked. I woke up and was late for work. I suppose I watch to much of ABC Daytime!

08.29 N.B. Had this dream last night and it troubles me. Not because of the ghosts and weird house – that is a recurring theme in many of my dreams. What troubled me is it’s the first time that I remember dreaming about being fucked and the fact that it started with me wanting him and changed to feeling like he was forcing me.

09.02 N.B. After thinking about this for awhile, as it still troubled me, I realized that yes he was definitely taking the lead and being very persistent, but it wasn’t that I didn’t want him or felt like he was forcing himself on me. It was more a fear of not wanting to do it for being discovered doing it and that’s why I wanted him to stop.

09.05 N.B. Still thinking about this… obsessing aren’t I? I think I’ve had a breakthrough. I don’t think it was John-Paul Lavoisier at all in the dream, more likely it was the boy who used to deliver our newspaper when I was teenager. I think his name was Alex and he was a year or two younger than me. Christ! Does that make me Brian Kinney if I can’t remember the name of a guy I almost had sex with? His look was the same as JPL — who is close to what he might look like today and so I may have been projecting. He could’ve been my first, we sort of played cat and mouse skirting around the issue, talking on the phone about what we would do, etc. But I was too much in denial, too scared and suddenly stopped it by telling him I was straight. He got mad, called me a faggot, and I never saw or heard from him again. He even stopped the paper route.

I haven’t thought about him a long time. I never really thought much about it other than childhood nonsense, but in retrospect I think he was very interested in me and he was probably scared too. I probably did hurt him a lot after weeks of cat and mouse and then suddenly telling him the big fat lie that I’m straight. It probably was the first time he put himself out there and I shot him down, coldly. For that, Alex, I’m so sorry. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have lied and backed out but would’ve gone on to see where it took us. As part of my coming out to myself and accepting being gay a few years ago, I made myself a promise that if asked, I would never lie about who I am. I don’t know if I can live up to it or not, but hope that I have the courage to.

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Project Priestess

September 3rd, 2005

I originally started this blog last year to use as dream journal but sort of got sidetracked along the way and refocused the emphasis to primarily QAF, and basically anything else that came to mind. So going back to the roots, this dream was sort of a combination of ‘The Forest House,’ ‘Project Greenlight,’ and ‘Star Wars.’ It seemed to keep moving from being real to us all being actors filming a movie and doing retakes, to making the movie itself being part of the story, or was it the other way around?

I’m not sure. This dream happened the night after I had finished reading ‘The Forest House’ where a priestess had taken a boy and gone off to Avalon with the secret of who the boy’s parents were. His line presumably will lead to King Arthur in a few hundred years.

I was a priestess and I had to take a boy and go off into seclusion. The first time through, the high priestess, whom I couldn’t not clearly make out as she was veiled, hugged me and wished us well and hurried us quickly and secretly on our way. Then it was as if we were filming a movie and we had to stop and do a retake. This time, the high priestess had given us her farewell inside a dwelling, but as we were leaving another hooded priestess came up to me as the boy and I were going out the door. She too moved in to hug and give me a kiss on the cheek. But when she spoke, I knew it was who we were trying to not let know who we really were or where we were going. As we joined, I knew it was Palpatine (the emperor from ‘Star Wars’). And as I pulled away to go without giving away that I knew who he was, he disrobed and tried to stop us. I don’t know what happened to the boy but I managed to slip away. Next it was a movie set and the crew were all in a dither as to where this boy went.

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Weird Encounters

July 30th, 2004

I’m not certain if this was all the same dream or several strewn together throughout the course of the night. I was at my brother’s mother-in-law’s (S) house, but it was not any house that I have ever been at (his in-laws change houses often). I was anxious to leave and get back home (when traveling I am always waiting endlessly for returning home as I don’t like being away at all) and I think everyone was mad at me for wanting to rush things and be over with whatever was happening. The MIL was in a particularly foul mood, I thought I would be nice and do something special and so I reorganized her silverware drawer. She didn’t say anything and I think my mom had said, “A thank you would be nice.” I remember walking around the outside of the house at night.

Then Mom and I were driving on an endless highway. It was sort of sandy or snowy or both and the road and trip was never-ending.

Next I was in my sister-in-law’s old apartment building that she lived in while at college before she and my brother got married. However it wasn’t the one I remember. It was more of something out of a dark alley straight from Dickens’. I think I was helping her pack or something and then I was sitting in my living room watch this on a video tape. My mom was on the sofa dozing off. The scene moved from the apartment building to a gymnasium and now my father was part of the group and he began talking about something. (He died over 25 years ago and I have never dreamed about him since childhood.) I worried that the sound of his voice would freak Mom out but she was still sleeping.

Now, I was back in the apartment organizing and he came out of the bathroom, but not as I remember him from childhood (middle-aged and sickly). He appeared as I’ve seen him in old photos when he was in his 20s, a polished and dapper young man. He smiled at me and walked out the apartment door.

Back at the MIL’s house, although I think now it was my aunt’s house. Her nephew – whom I had spent some summers with at a beach house in my teen years and haven’t seen in 10 years) was there and a bunch of other people. I’m not sure who they all were, but I knew them all. He was leaving out the laundry room door and I was on the other end of the kitchen in the hall to the front. Someone yelled for me that he was leaving, but I turned rather nonchalantly and just gave a small wave.

He did the same and we both egressed in our separate ways.

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Psycho

July 28th, 2004

It’s been awhile since my last entry. I’ve had an allergic reaction to too much sun which resulted in a horrible rash in what is called polymorphic photosensitivity and I’ve been drugged up on Benadryl and usually stay away from all medication. I’ve had many bizarre dreams, but none that I can really remember… possible because of my fog but now my mind is clear once again.

My mom and I had gone to my aunt’s house for something and we were just going to go on the back porch to get it and leave unnoticed. (We have not been there for several years as a result of my cousin carefully manuevering a separation, though my aunt, who was more of a grandmother figure while I was growing up, and I continue to speak weekly on the phone.) There was a large freezer there and I opened it and started scratching at a frozen ham. My cousin (pyscho does describes her best) was in the kitchen and I didn’t want to be noticed by her and thought she did see me and mom and we quickly ran off the porch and back out to the car.

When we got out front, my aunt came out on the front porch. She was dressed up (usually is extremely dressed down) and then my cousin came out the door and gave a cool greeting and we walked up the steps. She bent forward in gesture for me to greet her with a kiss (she always
presented her nose, which I hated, until after she came back from living in Europe and then we started doing the cheek-cheek-cheek air kissing, still didn’t care for that because I am not a touchy-feely person that needs to greet or be greeted by personal contact every time I see someone) but I maneuvered to kiss her on the cheek instead.

I said I came to borrow a book but didn’t want to disturb them, knowing that my aunt was getting ready to go away the next day and didn’t want her to walk the stairs.

Later in the kitchen I was alone for a moment and quickly made up a note which was sort of like a library due back card and stuck it in my aunt’s recipe book and my cousin came in. She was at the sink and I was now at the stove. I don’t remember exactly what she said but it was
harsh and hateful, I think I replied, “That was your choice.” She replied with something and stormed out. (We have been on the outs for several years.)

I had had enough of it and letting her have the last word and so I went after her and passed my mom and aunt in the back hall. I came screaming my cousin’s name out in the stair hall and the house boy was there (don’t know where he came from since they don’t have one or even a
maid) and told him to get her but he just kept walking up and down the stairs ignoring me, almost as if he were a ghost. Finally, after one deep guttural yelling of her name she appeared on the third floor balcony cold and freaky and camly replied, “Yes, my love?” (something she used
to occasionally call me.)

I knew something was very wrong and that I probably shouldn’t have pursued following her and started backing my way out of the stair hall and she pulled out a gun and started shooting, but it wasn’t loaded. I started running but slipped on the floor and real bullets started coming out. When I reached my mom and aunt we all ran out the back door and down the drive way as cousin followed, firing over and over again. My mom or aunt slipped in the driveway… don’t remember which and we all just stopped there… I don’t think anyone was shot… and the dream ended.

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Rambling Rooms for the Holidays

July 16th, 2004

This was peculiar dream that seemed to ramble on. My mom and I were
sitting in the attic watching TV. It was as if the attic were the
living room, but still retained its waken state appearance of being
covered in years of dust and decaying plaster. The scene changed and I
was now in the real living room. Someone else and I were lining chairs
up along the walls so there would be enough seating for lots of people.
My grandmother was sitting in my chair–the big chair. She has been
dead for 20 years. I think we were arguing about what to watch on TV.

I then found myself in the dinging room, but it was an odd sort of
combination of the living and dining rooms. It was set up for a big
celebration and the Christmas tree was in there where in actuality I
have a life-sized Santa statue that remains year-round.

Moving off into the kitchen, mom and I were discussing going to the
store before everyone arrived and so she went up to get ready. This
role reversal… I am the one that needs to go up and get ready and she
is the one who is ready to leave at a moment’s notice. I see on the
counter the iced tea jar that we used to brew sun tea but in the water
are only three tea bags, a piece of bacon and an unshelled hard-boiled
egg.

The kitchen is now filled with other people, my brother and his family
and our close family friends, the M’s, and someone else… a man. I
know him, but I don’t know him or can’t see his face. It’s
Thanksgiving, or the night before Thanksgiving, and we are still
discussing going to the store, Wegman’s which is a super huge fantastic
market type of place. Instead of leaving with mom, I get ready to leave
with the strange man, who I feel as my partner/boyfriend or some
combination thereof. As we get ready to leave Ted Allen from ‘Queer
Eye’ pops up and says he’ll go along too. I sigh. He and the other guy
leave while I fight to get my shoes on and grab a bottle of water and a
Frappucino and follow them out the door.

Outside it’s Christmas time. There’s snow on the ground, the house is
lit with Christmas lights and the chimes in the arbor are playing
Christmas carols. The sun is setting and I can tell it is Christmas Eve
by the way the light is shining and the orange-red glow of the sunset,
the likes I have only ever seen on Christmas. I forgot my drinks and
one of the family friends, CM, hands them out to me and I yell in the door,
“Listen! The arbor chimes are playing Joy to the Word.” She looks out
at the car, which in addition to Ted and my faceless boyfriend, are my
nieces and their cousins as well and she says how about drinks for
everyone and hands me a cooler bag.

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