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Archive for November, 2005

When Did You Know?

November 19th, 2005

So Oprah just did a show today about when was the first you knew you were gay. I got thinking while watching and my story is very similar to her panel’s. I can’t pinpoint a precise moment, but I always knew I was different in some way.

When I was about 10, ‘Battlestar Galactica’ came on the scene. I was obsessed with Starbuck and the actor who played him, Dirk Benedict. He was so cool and so hot. I remember this one picture I had of him in his Colonial uniform and the way he was posed his package was really out there. I just adored the picture. I was so into him that when it came time for my confirmation and I had to choose a name, Benedict was one of the possibilities and chose it, and my mother let me. I suffered a lot of “Benedict Arnold” cracks from the other 4th graders, but the sisters seemed to think it a very good choice. How interesting it is today that the name was very well chosen in that St. Benedict is the patron saint of music, the arts, and philosophy – my huge topics of interest.

Then came the Duke boys. Through my early teens other boys had pictures and posters of Farrah Facet and Charlies Angles and such in their rooms, but on my door was an incredible poster of Bo and Luke Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’ with open shirts and chest hair showing and in tight jeans. ::SIGH:: All the other boys were into the show too, but they were more interested in Daisy and the car and such. But I think for me it was a cover. When we would role play though, I always ened up being Uncle Jesse. Come to think of it, I always ended up being the old fuddy duddy when we did role playing games.

I always seemed to be better friends with girls than with boys… could just never seem to relate somehow that was not explainable. My first sexual fantasies didn’t include girls, in fact at the time I didn’t even really know that that’s what they were. I found myself jerking off and thinking about other boys that I went to school with… not doing stuff to one another, but just seeing them, and maybe jerking off together.

The first time I heard the word “gay” was while watching an episode of ‘WKRP in Cincinnati.’ The word came up in an episode about a character that was a guest that week. My mom asked me if I knew what that word meant and I said no. She replied, “It means he like men.” I was like… oh… ok.

All through my teenage years and into my 20’s, I still did not think of myself as gay or even call myself gay. I tried to daydream about getting married and having kids and the perfect family life. I tried to start fantasizing about women when jerking off, but it seemed that there was always a guy in the scene that was playing out in my head and it was him that was getting me through it. For the longest time I tried to rationalize it by saying to myself that I grew up without a father, a brother who was absent, and no male friends from my mid teens into my twenties and that I just craved the male companionship and the because men always sexualized things, that made perfect sense to me. What hogwash.

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‘Queer As Folk’ – Episode 14

November 14th, 2005

Ted called Michael to tell him Brian is freaking out at the prospect of being penniless because of the sexual harassment lawsuit. He said that he told Brian he only has enough money to last two months and then Brian thanked Ted for being such a wonderful and compassionate friend. Michael knew that since Brian was so complimentary that he must really be in trouble. David refused to let Michael get wrapped up in Brian’s problems, telling him that Brian made his bed and he should lie in it. It’s none of his business and that there is no room for Brian in their house, bed, or lives.

Well, we all know there is no separating Brian and Mikey and so Michael lied to David, telling him Debbie was sick and that he was going to spend the night at her house so he could go and see Brian. He brought Brian more food than two men could eat in a week! That is definitely an Italian thing, as Michael pointed out when Brian said the thing he remember most about growing up and being at Deb’s was all the food. Brian was also considering selling the loft, but to Michael that was unacceptable – it’s his home! How can you get rid of your home? They joked about Dave being Mikey’s sugar daddy and that maybe Brian needed to get one of his own and Mikey explained how he had to lie in order to see him. Brian told Michael that he really didn’t do what he was being accused of, and Michael said he never had any doubts.

As they continued to reminisce about growing up, they talked about the band they once tried to start. One thing led to another and they ended up at Woody’s on open mike night. Meanwhile, David showed up at Debbie’s with chicken soup and found out that Michael lied as Debbie herself, along with Vic, were on their way out for a night on the town. David eventually tracked Michael down and found him with Brian at Woody’s performing and… kissing. Note to Dr. Dave… don’t come between Michael and Brian, you will never win… and side note to Michael and Brian… dudes, keep your day jobs! A friendship like theirs will always continue to stand the test of time and whatever else fate throws in the way. The next day David called Michael on his white lie and told him they may have to rethink things. Seems David needs to have total control over who Michael spends his time with.

Brian butted in yet again and showed up at Dr. Dave’s office, because he had an uhm… pain in his ass. He told him to lay off Mikey and that Mikey IS his business just as he is Brian’s. David said Brian is the one that’s on his way out of Michael’s life, but Brian let it be known that that is not how Dr. Dave will keep Michael, that’s the sure way for him to lose him. David surprisingly took Brian’s words to heart and finally came to his senses, realizing that Brian is a part of Michael’s life and it was unfair of him to keep them apart. But when push came to shove and given the freedom to choose – a night out with Brian at Babylon – Michael chose to stay home with David.

Kip tried to apologize to Brian for the lawsuit, but made it out like he was only trying to protect himself because he thought that he had to have sex with Brian or else be fired. Uh huh. Seems to me that he was the one that made the first move and Brian blew him off. The coy innocent routine didn’t work with Brian. He turned to Mel for legal expertise and she felt that for once Brian’s promiscuity is working in his favor since it proves he didn’t have to force a coworker to have sex with him in order to get laid. She told him she was happy to help because she liked the idea of him being indebted to her for the rest of his life. Lindsay showed up and you could cut the tension with a knife. Lindsay is still nursing her wounds from Mel’s affair, but it’s apparent that they are missing one another. Lindsay was having money problems and Brian offered to help her out. She was shocked that Brian turned to Mel for help and even more so that he sided with her and told Lindz she needs to just give in and beg Mel to come home. It’s quite ironic since Brian has made an art form out of trying to incite Mel and eradicate her from their lives.

Justin decided to take matters into his own hands and see what he could do help Brian. He spotted Kip at Woody’s and approached him. Seems he got Kip into a compromising position, actually down on his knees pulling Justin’s shorts off and fondling him. At that Justin said he needs to hurry so can get home… he’s only 17 and has a curfew! He let it slip that his father would go psycho and would call the police if he caught them together. Kip backed off and Justin said, “But he’d never find out, that is unless I told him.” The next day Mel and Brian were waiting to do battle and suddenly without any fanfare, the lawsuit was dropped and forgotten about. Business returned to normal for Brian and fortunately for him, Justin turns 18 tomorrow!

While Brian’s troubles are behind him, Ted can’t stop lamenting Emmett. Everything he does or thinks of reminds him of Em, just as everything reminds Mel of Lindsay. Mel and Ted went to the movies together and ran into Emmett and his “date,” Heather. They met at See the Light and are working on a successful conversion from-gay-to-straight story for their group so they are trying straight dating. They even tried to have sex but the only way they could get through it was to fantasize about the perfect man and woman. But neither was able to think about a straight encounter. Mel was infuriated when Heather asked them if they wanted to “double” and then apologized for thinking they were “normal.” Ted told Mel that Em has “seen the light,” and she rightly asked Em, “Where are they shining it, up your ass?” Ted wanted to get together with him, but Em said sure, but only if he wanted to see the light.

Ted and Michael decided to show up at See the Light to try and convince Emmett that they still love him and that they will miss him. Ted made an impassioned speech to him saying that God appreciates him just the way he was because he created him in his image. And since He doesn’t make any mistakes Em must be just the way God wanted him to be and that everything and everyone is exactly as God chose them to be and that he loves us all no matter who or what we are. And such truer words were never spoken. It didn’t seem to make any difference on the surface, but you could see Ted’s words swirling around in Emmett’s head… and Heather’s too as she had overhead the conversation. At Babylon, Ted and Mel were hanging out at the bar, still lamenting Em. Suddenly, Em and Heather show up and declared they have really “seen the light!” They really did and realized they are who they should be and that God does love them just the way they are… gay. The group agreed God loved them but promptly asked them to leave. And so Emmett is back with a flame brighter than ever. The two off them, along with Mel and Heather, danced off into the thumpa thumpa of Babylon.

Posted in Queer As Folk Musings

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‘Queer As Folk’ – Episode 13

November 7th, 2005

In looking at how many episodes were in the first two seasons of ‘Queer As Folk,’ you could say that the show ran for seven seasons, rather than just five. There’s some sort of comfort to be found in thinking that it has been around that long, although the pains of it now being off the air still continue to reverberate throughout our lives and indeed that of society itself. For if ever there was a time when such a positive and realistic show about queer life was needed, it is now. It certainly has influenced the world in such a way that it seems hard to believe that it only ran for five years. This thirteenth episode of the first season would have made a good cliff hanger for an end-of-season episode.

A new upstart at Brian’s agency made himself known. He’s young, hot, and what do you know? He has good ideas and so Brian pulled him in on a senior brainstorming session for a new ad campaign. But Kip targeted Brian for a higher purpose and propositioned him and moved in for the kill. But Brian turned him down – if you can believe it – only minutes later to say that HE (Brian) always makes the first move and so they end up having hot sex in Brian’s office. Later, Brian regaled Mikey with his latest conquest. Michael warned him about having sex at work and Brian was shocked that there was no such activity going on at the Big Q. Michael said of course not. But Brian insisted there was once one Christmas and then poor Michael thought Brian had committed the ultimate sacrilege and fucking Santa! Alas, not, but one of Santa’s elves. Mickey warned him to be careful because he was treading into dangerous territory, and thus another note to Brian – do NOT have sex in the workplace! It will only lead to trouble.

And trouble did it ever. Seems Kip, raging high at Babylon, pulled Brian aside and told him that because they are both gay, Brian will have to have him promoted because queers have to look out for one another. Brian gave him a lecture on mix drugs and alcohol but never suggested him for the promotion. When the job went to somebody else, Kip got pissed and socked Brian and the agency with a sexual harassment law suit.

Trouble continued to brew for Melanie and Lindsay as they hosted a baby shower for another couple. They tried to put on a happy face, which Lindsay pulled off as the ever bright and cheery hostess, but Mel couldn’t conjure up the façade and stayed in the background. She hooked up with one of the guests whom she had never met before and they instantly hit it off and chatted away. Later, Mel let Lindz know that she is growing weary of working extra so she can stay home with the baby and they bickered about the illusion of being the perfect role models and left the house. At a bar she hooked up with Marianne, whom earlier at the shower seemed to be someone she could finally talk to and let it all hang out with and eventually they ended up back at her place.

As Mel came home you could feel her guilt as she made her way into hers and Lindz’ bedroom. Lindsay was worried because it was so late and Mel had never phoned to say where she was and when, or if, she was coming home. They showed up separately at the hospital when they went to pay a visit to the new mothers for whom they had the shower for. They reminisced about how wonderful things were the night Gus was born and how they got to this point. Lindsay agreed that they had their share of problems, but she seemed to be thinking now that they were not insurmountable and suggested that maybe Mel was right and they should talk to someone to help them work through their problems. But Mel was distant and in the hall outside of the room, she confessed her one night stand. Lindsay was shocked and taken aback and just left. Mel moved out and went to stay with her cousin. Adding insult to injury, it’s a cousin who swore that Mel and Lindz would never make it as a couple.

Emmett and Matt went for coffee one night and he told Em that he used to be a drag queen until he “saw the light” and the same thing could happen to him too but some people may want to lead him towards corruption and deviance from seeing the light. Thinking this is the path he should follow, he decided to clean house and threw out all of his gay trinkets. He began to act standoffish with Michael and Ted and when they asked him what was up, he said he’ll be “straight” with them, to which they giggled. Em, straight! He told them it was time for him to explore the part of himself that wasn’t gay. Whoa! What part would that be? And that is the same sentiment Ted and Michael expressed.

He told them about the group he joined that is helping him find his way back to his “true“ self because his gay self is only who he has allowed himself to become. Michael proclaimed it to be bullshit because he already is his true self. I guess the theme for TV tonight was gay conversion! Coincidentally, I’m in the processing of watching season one of ‘Desperate Housewives’ (I didn’t catch it when it started to air last season) and tonight I saw the episode in which Bree invited her minister over to persuade her son Andrew that he isn’t gay! Ted took quite a different route from Bree’s and decided to pay a gay porn star to show up at Em’s apartment and bring him back to his senses, but it backfired. Emmett thanked Ted for the eye opening experience that proved to him that he can resist any temptation, even the gay porn star of his dreams show up and ready for action. They ended up just talking. Ted was pissed because he paid Zach O’Tool to give Emmett a night he’ll never forget. Em said the group told him that his friends may go to extremes to try and prevent him from seeing the light and so he told Michael and Ted that it was time to get away and no longer associate with them.